Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
