And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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