I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
