Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
