I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
