This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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