are you still at the devil's house?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
