She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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