I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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