It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
