I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
