look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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