if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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