Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
