and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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