Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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