Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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