The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
