Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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