A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ketchup is God's man juice
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
