the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Randomize
