We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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