totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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