when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
