i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
