Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
