My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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