im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
