His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
