Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
