I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
