Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Small penises have feelings too.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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