I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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