Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
