she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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