i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
