Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
