i was born a porn star she said
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
