I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
