I can text with my tongue
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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