If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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