you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
