I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's shark week go big or go home
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
