just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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