I'm jealous of your bromance
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
