my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
