i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
