you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
