what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
