you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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