No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
