The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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