He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
